写

托福学院

学生习作批改一则

想要提高写作,不仅需要读范文,还需要经常动动笔头,所谓熟能生巧嘛。积累的词汇和句式只有会用才算是自己的,勤加练习的好处就是可以帮你巩固这些单词的用法,不至于在考场上对着电脑屏幕一阵”拔剑四顾心茫然“。下面这篇习作来自一位藤门的托福学员,让我们一起来看看吧。
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live.

学生习作第一段:Under the thousands of hundreds of reproduction and development, Earth has been changed a lot. Usage of high technology, public transportation really make our life more convenient. Modern development makes the Earth a better place to live. However, the trauma that we give to Earth is always exists, such as environment pollution. In some place, government is still passion on developing economic, and ignoring the environment effect.
(点评:introduction part的作用就是背景信息陈述加本人观点。这个引入段一开始写的背景信息跟题目无关,属于为了凑字数而加的描述。托福作文虽然对字数有要求,但并不是说字数越多越好,事实上,有很多满分作文其实都是在300-400字之间的,而并不是坊间传说的一定要飚到500+。除了描述冗余外,还有语法错误,比如thousands of hundreds of...在英语中,一般讲hundreds of thousands of。还有中国学生常见的双谓语问题--“is always exists”)
Revised version: Technology and public transportation make our life more convenient while at the same time various problems come up with the advancement of technology. Overall speaking, I think human activity has caused damage to the Earth.
学生习作第二段:The worst matter I want to mention is about pollution. A mount number of government develop economic in paid of environment pollution. I read a newspaper that local government decide to build an enormous fire electricity factory in order to satisfy the citizens’ need. Although, the original purpose of building this factory is benefit for citizens, the price of environment balance is really big. Now, citizens are suffering dirty air and bad smell. Human activity makes the Earth damaged.
点评: “I want to mention”属于口语表述,不适合用在写作中。一般来说,主题句要包括的是自己在这一段要着重讨论的方面。可以看到,学生在表达的精准性和精练程度方面还需要提高。 “I read a newspaper”这样的表述不如转换成“事实加出处”,尽量省去第一人称的表达。
Revised version: Environment pollution is one of the pains that human beings are suffering. Many governments choose to develop economic at the expense of the environment. There was a news report saying that the local government decided to build an enormous fire electricity factory in order to provide sufficient electricity power for the region. Although the original purpose of this deed is for the benefit of the citizens, they turned out to be the victims of the deteriorative environment. This is just one of many examples which demonstrate the damage caused by human activity.
学生习作第三段:Although the modern city construction makes the whole city beautiful, the space for each person has been decreased. Several of modern building expand the space of working, but shrink personal activity space, such as the skyscraper in NY City. In NY, the price of land is too expansive. A lot of them has been sold for office usage. The total space for office usage has been increased. On the contrary, the personal space is tiny. In a word, this kinds of place is not good for human to living.
点评:这一段的中心论点是想说现代化进程使得居民的居住幸福感降低。那么,同样还是需要一个主题句来点明论点。原文中的表述略显杂乱,且缺乏一定的逻辑顺序。
Revised version: The expansion of the big cities did symbolize the modernization, but it also leads to the frantic increasing of land price, which may cause other problems. For example, a large amount of the buildings are rented out as office buildings in Beijing. The overpriced market makes ordinary people can not afford the houses in the downtown, thus they have to live far away from the work place and take a subway or drive to work. Traffic jam and noise affect people lives a lot. Besides, there are few parks or urban public utilities for people to use. No one will feel happy to live in a place like this.
In conclusion, we human beings need to reflect what we have done to the planet. There’s still a lot need to do before we can make the earth a better place to live.

总评:总的来说,这是一篇立意不错的习作。但是论点提炼不够明确,段内各句也缺乏一定的逻辑条理,还出现了一些基础性的语法错误。而这几条几乎都是犯了托福作文评分标准的忌讳。因此,一篇作文只有达到了字词句多样,语法标准,逻辑清晰合理,观点明确才能算作一篇佳作。



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